It’s Only a Matter of Time

Baptism By Fire’s recent post Running out, about losing her friends without children is a topic that I have been thinking about the past month. 

A friend posted on facebook that they are expecting recently, just inside their 1 year marriage mark.  While I am happy for them I was shocked that she would make this public announcement at 5 weeks pregnant!  I was amazed that she would make that announcement so early in her pregnancy, and with her being a nurse I am sure she has plenty of knowledge of all things that could possibly go wrong, but then again she has never lived in the infertility world where things in that area of life just don’t work out as planned.  So, I hope everything goes well for her.

A few weeks later I was at my other friend’s house waiting for her to get ready so we could go out.  I was standing next to her bookshelf looking at what she has to read.  We have swapped books several times so I didn’t think she would mind me looking at her bookcase in her living room.  I spied the dreaded book that pregnant people read when they are expecting (I don’t want to name the book here as to not draw innocent Google searchers to my barren womb blog).  Next to it was a book about being a father, and next to that one was a book of baby names.  This set of friends has just been married 1 year also.  I stood there and realized that they will probably be next to join the parenting group.  Our circle of carefree friends that can do any activity on a whim will once again be shrinking.

I have done this circuit before.  When our friends have children we see them less.  Our get-togethers become less frequent.  They must get home in the night earlier than us, or arrange for overnight sitters.  They plan activities that exclude us because they are kid oriented.  We have found new friendships during these prior wakes that fill in the holes that were left, but it still sucks to cycle through again.

With the culture in the state that I reside in, people start their families a lot earlier here than in other parts of the US.  Early 20’s is standard.  This leaves the pool of childfree/childless people in our age group pretty sparse.  Both of my above mentioned friends are 9 to 7 years younger than me now. So where does this leave me now getting ready to look for new friends?  Ok so picture this, currently I have gotten back my acne problems since my Dr took me off birth control after my surgery.  33 and acne is not a good combination!  Plus to add to the awkwardness I am getting braces next week!  I have finally decided to fix my overbite that I have always been self-conscious of.  I hate looking at pictures of me if I am smiling too big because it is more gums than teeth.  I know it is a vanity thing, but I figure why not just fix it now rather than complain about it the rest of my life.  So I have been picturing my 30 something self with acne and braces looking for new friends out of the 20 something childfree pool!  So I am laughing at myself picturing my dorky self out there trying to find new friendsJ 

I’m actually pretty happy with myself right now.  This would have left me devastated in the past.  But then again my second friend isn’t pregnant yet and I don’t even know for sure if they are trying.  I just found some books on the shelf that have lead me to waste time thinking about something that isn’t even happening.  Infertility leaves you trying to brace and prepare for events that haven’t even happened.

Paradigms

I have been absence from this blog for a while.  Not on purpose, life just got a little busy for me.  So to catch you up…I finished up my summer semester and went straight into a big home improvement project.  We replaced the roof on our house by ourselves with the help of some amazing friends of ours.  That was 2 layers of shingles that had to be torn off and new shingles put on.  It was a big project but it felt so good to watch it slowly come together and ended with a terrific emotion of self-accomplishment.  And for some reason it amazes everyone that I was on the roof helping to shingle (I must not have the look of a roofer) and my roof is 3 stories high at the back of the house.  Our land is sloped and we have a walk out basement.  I never thought before that I had a fear of heights, but I can tell you with confidence that I do have a fear of 3 story high ledges!  This took a couple of weeks since we both work full time and could only work on the roof weekends and evening. After that we went straight into play mode.  Within 1 week I traveled to Vegas for a few days with a close girlfriend of mine, M and I went to the sand dunes in Idaho to play on atvs with several friends over one weekend, and we went to Wyoming to visit my parents.  That trip was supposed to end with a day fishing, but due to some allergic reactions I was having I came home early without M while he finished out the trip.  All in all, it has been several happy/busy/full weeks.

Tonight we talked about paradigms that people have.  A paradigm is the way we see, interpert, and understand things around us and the world.   Now the class is a business class, but the conversation shifted to personal matters and examples.  As I sat there and absorbed the information in the class I could relate everything that was being said to our infertility journey.

We started ttc like any couple, we had a paradigm that we would have a family and although we had an inkling that our journey to our family might take us longer than others (because of problems I had associated with my cycles) we didn’t have any doubt that our dream wouldn’t come true.  As the years passed us by and we watched our friends and family start and add to their families our paradigm of our family shifted.  It included different ART that we would use, but it would be worth the sacrifice to get our family, because families come with sacrifice anyways and we just had to sacrifice more at the beginning of the journey than most other people did.  We had another shift in our family paradigm when our family dream dwindled to a family of 2.  We realized that this was probably our future.  M accepted it faster and with more grace than I did (still am).  As I struggled it really bothered me that other people couldn’t accept that we are just a family of 2.  It would grate on my nerves and emotions when people still wanted to tell me about every miracle birth or adoption story.  I felt like other people didn’t want me to accept our decision and I took it personally.

I have been taking this graduate degree program with the same group of people since January.  This is our 5^th class together.  We have gotten to know each other and it is more personal than traditional college courses.  As our teacher was having us introduce ourselves to him today (since our teachers change with each class) one guy mentioned that he is a new father to his 3^rd child this week, another guy brought up that he and his wife will soon be empty nesters, and towards the end of the introductions a third guy mentioned that they brought home a baby this week to adopt.  I could feel the evil green monster building in me.  The third announcement just brought the jealousy brimming inside me.  Yet again I don’t have a family announcement.  I felt like an outsider in yet another group.  I sat there for a while and kind of tuned things out while I blinked away the tears that were beginning to sting my eyes.  No I didn’t cry, it was just the threat of them.  This didn’t last long and I tuned back into class.

Later in the class, the idea of paradigm shifts was talked about and how shifting relationships with people from dependent to independent relationships with private victories.  When you are a dependent person what other people do and say affect your emotions and actions.  The goal is to become independent where you are the one that affects your emotions and reactions.  I realized that I have been waiting for the world to accept our childless paradigm shift, and I am the one that needs to accept it.  I have been waiting for acceptance and recognition of this shift which is my own internal battle.  I know that we have made this decision, but I need to really see it as it is, and all of a sudden I felt differently.  This is my life, and I need to take responsibility of my feelings.  I felt such a drastic change in my feelings where just a little over an hour earlier I was close to tears because of the helplessness I was feeling, where currently I was feeling powerful and in control of my feelings and my life.  Then as I was feeling this shift from helplessness to powerful this quote from Stephen Covey was placed on the screen.

                If you want small changes, work on your behavior, if you want quantum-leap changes, work on your paradigms.

I’m going to have to think more about this subject and this powerful feeling it is giving me.

Raising Kitties

Raising Kitties

Friday was desolate at my work.  It is the end of July and a lot of people are on vacations.  In the afternoon I found myself surrounded by 2 ladies that are now grandmas, and for some reason they both decided to let me know how they wished that they had opted to “raise kitties instead of children” and told me of all the hard times they are having with their grown children right now.

Even though I was glaring daggers though them as they told ME about the pitfalls of parenthood in MY cubicle area, they didn’t notice.

What can you do?

I took a deep breathe and realized that I have been talking about embracing the joy in my life and it’s time to start acting on it.

Here are my kitties I am raising, and how I do love both of my boys.

Both boys were born to wild feral cats in our area. The orange stipe one is 2 years old, and the siamese mix is 12. M got the older one when we were dating and the orange one was abandoned by his mother in our pump house in the field. They are both fixed, live indoors and outdoors, catch rodents and birds, and pretty much rule our house. We own 2 acres that they prowl. The siamese mix is ornery and hates strangers. He does cuddle to M or I, but only on his terms and when he deems necessary. The orange stripe is a purring and cuddling machine.   Our older cat was not happy when the orange one moved in, but they are now good company for each other.

So, even though this happened Friday and this blog post idea happened Friday (as soon as I stopped glaring daggers through my 2 co-workers), I have been too busy to post about it.  Raising kitties gives me the freedom to go to school for 8 hours this weekend, attend 1 bbq at a friend’s house, talk my sweet M into taking me to a movie, and spend a glorious Sunday at the pool with friends and then go get pizza and beer for dinner. 

Ah… the freedom of raising kitties!  This was a great weekend:)

Domestic Oblivion and Dream Fulfillment

I was reading Life Without Baby’s blog post about Amelia Earhart.  There were two things that really grabbed my attention in this article.   The first was that Amelia Earhart didn’t want to turn into a domestic robot and disappear into domestic oblivion.  She was someone who knew what she wanted to do and went for it.  The term “domestic oblivion” kept circling around in my head.  I began wondering if my own mom lost herself in domestic oblivion.  My parents raised 6 kids, and there is a big difference in how they raised the older kids versus the younger kids.  I remember when I was young there were times when my mom really struggled.  When she got married she was pregnant and my parents moved to my dad’s home town.  It is a little town in Wyoming.  My mom didn’t know anyone there except for my dad and his parents.  This little town isn’t very accepting of strangers.  I realized this growing up and watching kids move into our community.  My mom has told me that she did have a hard time because she didn’t have any friends around.  She only had little kids, my dad and his parents.  I know she suffered from depression and I remember her locking herself in her bedroom for hours during those dark times.  I didn’t really understand what was going on, I just knew she was sad. I wonder if she was lost in domestic oblivion and felt there was no way out. 

Then I began thinking about domestic oblivion and myself.  I was looking forward to domestic oblivion. The pitter patter of little feet and the things I could teach them that my mom taught me.  I share the love of crafts that my own mother has.  I love to crochet, it’s my favorite.  I want more time to sew.  My mother is an amazing seamstress and I wish I could get to her level.  I want more time to put together warm comfy quilts.  I want more time to put together my scrapbooks and the memories those help forge.  I would love to learn how to cook well and have the time to cook from scratch.  I need more time to spin my own yarn on my dust collecting spinning wheel that my mom passed down to me.  I want the loom at my mother’s house to come to my house and get used.  Ah…domestic oblivion.  I don’t think my idea of domestic oblivion would be the same thoughts that my mother had on it.

The second thing that I was thinking about was in the comment section some people were talking about fulfilling your dreams.  This is a problem when your dream was to be a mother and it just doesn’t work out.  I’m currently trying to find new dreams.  When your goal was for years to be a mom and raise a family, what is left?  This is my reason for going back to school to see if there is something else I want to do so life doesn’t feel so much like drudgery. I hope I can find something that will help me enjoy my days more. Hopefully there be a morning when I wake up and don’t think about the things I don’t have.  I need to wake up and think about what is ahead of me, not what is denied me.

Maybe I need to cut myself some slack and let go of some of the self loathing I have in wasting my time on spending so many years ttc.  It was my goal, and I tried my hardest to make that goal reality.  Why do I hate myself so much because of it?  Is it because of failure?  So I failed, I need to feel that it was ok that I failed, but I don’t feel that it is ok.  I need to accept the failure, to own it.  Not be embarrassed by it, because I am humiliated deep down inside of me. 

Beware, this one is a rant

I mentioned in my prior post that we were going to a friend’s family cabin this last weekend.  It was a good time with no small children, but this complaint is about one conversation with an adult.

Someone M and I have only met once or twice showed up and after he had a few drinks into him he started talking about how he is upset and how he is going to be a Grandpa soon.  He isn’t happy with the guy that his teenage daughter is having a baby with.  I braced myself to hear all about the situation.  After he had talked about it a few people had wandered off so it was a small group sitting in the shade and he turned to M and I and asked how many kids we had.  This is the conversation:

M: Zero

Soon to be Grandpa:  Oh, you don’t have any kids?

M: No kids

Soon to be Grandpa:  How long have you been married?

M: 11 years

Soon to be Grandpa:  Why don’t you want to have kids?  Having kids is the best thing I have ever done with my life.

M:  Dude, we can’t have kids.

Soon to be Grandpa:  Oh…

Here is where Soon to be Grandpa rattles on about how much he loves his kids and how he has a revolving door policy so his kids know they are always welcome in his house, and on and on.

Ok, giving the guy the benefit of the doubt I realized that he had consumed a few drinks and was upset about a situation in his family.  But why does he get to be an ass about it?  Why after finding out that having children is something that we are not able to do does he go on to gloat? 

I guess we were the ones that sat there and let him go on like that, but what an idiot.

Thanks, it’s now off my chest

Hiding

I haven’t really had a lot to say lately, IRL or here.  I have been keeping myself really busy so I don’t have much free time.  I’m still busy with my summer classes and work is busy so I’m putting in a few extra hours.  My yard has somehow sprung out of control, probably because I ignored it this spring after my surgery.  I have been squeezing in some maintenance and repairs on the house we live in and the house that we rent out.  I have been avoiding meeting M’s new nephews and babies that our friends have had the last few months.  Family and friends keep mentioning to me that we need to go see these babies, but I have not been making the time for that.  I rarely make time to see our friends, forget about their kids.

I came to the assumption that to the outside world it may look like I’m hiding, but I don’t think that is exactly correct.  Maybe you could call it hiding in the short term, but in my mind I feel like it is more like preparing for the future.  I feel calm and more peace with my emotions right now.  I haven’t had any emotional breakdowns, no tears.  I am working hard to have a better future for M and I.  I’m excited as I can check off each class as I get closer to attaining my Master’s degree.  I’m hoping that what I am doing at work will be noticed.  I want to get our house and our rental house in good shape in case we decide that a move is in our future and they need to be sold.  I am working on my projects and my to-do list because I feel good about myself when I can delete items off it. 

I am getting out this weekend and going with some friends to their family cabin in a neighboring state.  I know this will be a fairly child free weekend and I am excited for this fact. 

So to the outside world it may look like I am hiding, but this emotional calm that I am finding is worth the little bit of distance I have created for the time being.

Word of the Day

Word of the Day

After M and I decided to stop fertility treatments I started thinking about going back to school and getting my Master’s degree.  I started looking into what the entrance exams required and signed up for a daily email for a word of the day.  The entrance exams had a verbal section and I wanted to expand my verbal word recognition.  I passed my entrance exam last year but I still get the word of the day emails.  Today I got my first infertility related word of the day after almost 2 years of these emails!  Here is a link to the actual website for the word. 

The word today is ectopic.  The definition is “Occurring in an abnormal position or place; displaced”.  Also for the origin of the word, “Ectopic is from the invented Greek word ectopia meaning "out of place." It was coined in 1873.” 

I have never had an ectopic pregnancy, but I know too many infertility bloggers have.

I was just excited to see an infertility topic in my emails this morning and thought I would share it in this post.