Life Happens

Hello dusty old blog.  What am I to do with you?  Dust you off and journal feelings again?  Leave you as is for a remembrance of my feelings during that year?

I read back through a few of my old posts.  There is so much pain and wanting to heal.  It's just painful.

Well we will start with an update from my last post.

My brother is still with me.  They are currently regularly monitoring his tests and levels, and they have remained the same for the last several months.  No new growth or spreading so for now that is good news that he is happy and alive.  Sadly my Grandma and Uncle are loosing the battle against cancer.  It's such a terrible disease.

I took the anti-depressants for a few months.  Looking back it helped me gain perspective and have the ability to focus on the positive again.

I lost my little dog last fall.  She got out of the yard and into the road and didn't survive an accident with a car.  It still makes me tear up because I sure miss that little ball of energy so much!  We had her less than 1 year and I can't believe how much a 7 lb dog made such an impact in my life.  Things the little girl taught me:

• It felt so good to open my heat and love something new!
• It felt good to feel needed.  I still have my 2 cats, but they don't need near the care my little dog did.
• Go for walks, it feels good to be outside.  
• Greet your loved ones every day.  
• Poop happens, clean it up and get over it.

I finished my masters degree!  No, I did not add on extra classes.  I couldn't take anymore school.

The endo diet... I sure struggle with that.  I am definitely a stress/emotional eater, at least I confirmed that.

I'm still here!

I really haven’t fallen off the face of the world.  I’m still here living my crazy life.  Things just really starting getting out of control for me this winter, and this little blog is one of the things that had to move to the back burner.

I found out my younger brother has cancer… and the Dr’s are not giving him a good recovery outcome.  I have a hard time not concentrating on all the things he could possibly miss out on in his life.  He started another round of chemo again last week.  This has really put life in a different perspective for me.  Knowing what he is going through and the torture his body is experiencing leaves less time for me to think about myself and my infertility.  Our extended family has had bad luck with cancer too.  I have an uncle and my husband has an aunt that is also fighting cancer.

I did go into the Dr’s office in November, asking them to check my hormone levels.  I was emotional, anxious, couldn’t sleep, gaining weight and my acne was out of control.  I was convinced that my hormones were out of whack.  Well, my blood tests came back with everything in a normal range and I left with a prescription for anti-depressants.  I don’t think that it helped that I broke out into tears when the Dr asked me if we were going to start “trying” again.  I just get so frustrated trying to explain myself when someone asks me that question.  I left the office pissed that I had that prescription, but my husband talked me into filling it.  So I filled it and started taking it.  It has made me feel better.  I don’t think I obsess about single things for hours like I have been doing the past few years.  But the bad side affect is that I sleep so much!  These last few months I have had the best sleep of my life!  I kind of wonder if that is really the thing that is making me feel better… having a normal 8 hour sleep schedule has done wonders for my mood.  Sadly, the late nights surfing the Internet is when I did the majority of my blog writing and reading.

I do have good news.  We added new member to our family just before Christmas!  The animals now outnumber the people in my house. 

 

She is the cutest little puppy ever and I love her so much!  This picture is of her (and my knees).  We had to get a little sweater for her because the week we got her the temperature was below zero and she had a hard time going to the bathroom outside in the extreme cold.  The sweater is a XS and now fits her better.  She is a mix of about 6 small dog breeds.  She is currently 4 ½ months old and weighs about 4 lbs.  Everyone keeps asking me how big she will be when she is fully grown, and I’m not really sure since she comes from so many breeds of smaller dogs.  We think she will stay pretty little.  Her mom is only about 5 lbs.  Unfortunately my cats were not happy when we brought the puppy home.  The younger cat has learned to accept her, but the older cat is still pretty pissed off about her.  He tolerates her as long as she stays away from him.  We have already completed a 6 week puppy training class (another thing that has taken away from my blogging time).  Of course she was everyone’s favorite because she was by far the smallest puppy in the class.  Now, if only we can get past the chewing phase…  She chews on everything! 

I’m still working on my graduate degree.  I have just under a year left to complete my program but I have been thinking about adding a few more classes and extending my graduation date.  I think this would be good for my career, but I am so ready to be done with school and to have my weekends back.  I will have to decide in a few months if I will be adding extra classes or not.

There have been a lot of pregnancies popping up that I am dealing with.  In June my husband and I will have a total of 15 nieces and nephews!  That is not a typo, the number really is 15, and I’m sure it will keep growing.  My close friend is pregnant.  I wrote about expecting that to happen after I saw some baby books at her house back here.  The announcements really haven’t been that hard to deal with.  The worst is that feeling of being left behind when I hear an announcement, but that is part of life that I accepted when we quit fertility treatments.  I’m learning that this feeling will always be a part of life.

I have been experimenting with cooking, new foods, and new recipes.  I have been reading about the endo diet and trying to incorporate that into my life.  I’m starting slowly and changing things little by little.  I think if I jumped in full speed ahead into the diet I would hate it and it would only last a few weeks.  My husband has been a good sport.  Cooking has never been something that came naturally to me, and we have had some disappointing dinners lately!  I think I would like to write about this more when I find time.  The last month I have been able to feel some benefits from eating healthier.

I appreciate all of you, my friends out here on the Internet.  I am hoping that I will be back soon.  I passed my 1 year blog anniversary on Feb 2^nd and didn’t even realize it!  I have a lot of reading and catching up to do in blog land!

HOTPIL #1 – Halloween Dress Up

I enjoy making lists.  I don’t know why, but writing things down and making a list usually gives me a sense of control.  It helps me put things in better perspective. This blog could use a little more something…  I have been foundering with what I want to do with this blog lately, so I decided it needed a list.  This is my first post in my HOTPIL Series (Happiness on This Path in Life).  Sounds cheery, right?  I think this gloomy blog needed something to cheer things up lately.  Plus, HOTPIL posts will only contain accounts, stories, things, or ways that I find happiness in life.

Halloween Past

I honestly think that Halloween is one holiday that I enjoy more as an adult than I enjoyed it as a child.  When I was a child usually dressing up was a day before, or the day of Halloween rush to find a costume.  For the most part my costumes consisted of random old pieces of dance costumes, hand-me-downs, or any last minute item my mom could spare a minute to throw together. 

Trick or Treat in a small town in Wyoming isn’t that fun.  Is was nothing like I would see other kids do on movies or TV shows, where groups of kids would walk down city blocks, going from door to door and getting bundles of candy.  Trick or Treating in a small town in Wyoming often included bundling winter clothes over your Halloween costume because you had to Trick or Treat during a snow storm or cold rain.  It was usually wet and cold and it ended early.  I lived outside of our small town so my mom would have to drive us from house to house, so it consisted of getting in and out of the car a lot, being wet and cold, and it did not usually last long. 

My favorite part of Halloween as a child was AFTER we went Trick or Treating.  My dad created a tradition of watching a Halloween movie afterwards.  Sometimes they were old movies that were done terribly, other times they were scary movies that would leave me afraid of dark corners for a few nights, and other times they were silly movies.  But, everyone in the family was allowed to stay up late and eat candy.  It was something the family did together.

Halloween Present

I love Halloween as an adult.  We go to at least 1 Halloween dress up party every year.  Some years involve weeks of planning my costume.  Some years I buy a costume and spend time shopping for the perfect costume and accessories.  Other years I have spent weeks trying to use my rusty sewing skills to create the perfect costume that I will only wear once.  My favorite costume I have ever made for myself as an adult was a She-Ra costume.  I was a big fan of the cartoon as a child.  It was my first attempt at making a corset and also included a sword that had a light on it (I know it was pretty silly, but it turned out so good).  This year with my busy schedule between school and work, I had to settle for a more common costume.  I dressed up as a 1920’s Flapper with fringed dress.  We traveled out of town this last weekend to go to a bar where a band we know of was playing.  The best part of dressing up as a flapper is dancing with a fringed dress.  I twisted and danced myself until I had to more energy, and I still have a few sore muscles that remind me of the fun I had that night.

The HOTPIL bonus is that we didn’t have to worry about having an overnight babysitter to go to a Halloween party.  We didn’t have to debate about doing Trick or Treating with children vs. going to a Halloween party.  We took our time traveling home the next day because our cats don’t mind if we come home early or late, just as long as we come home!

Anyone else out there love Halloween more as an adult than when they were children?

Suspended In Time

Have you ever felt like you are stuck in time?  Like the world just keeps on moving past you while you sit and watch?  This is how I have been feeling lately.  I’m just sitting here in my life watching other people live theirs.  Watching my family, friends, and work acquaintances add to their families.  I was contemplating this and I got a picture in my head of myself suspended in time while the world whizzes by (you know, like it does on those sci-fi shows).

I realized that this picture is inaccurate.  I’m not suspended in time.  I am aging with the rest of the world.  I need to quit focusing on the external and focus more on my internal. 

There is still part of me that grieves every day for the family I wasn’t able to create.  I grieve for children that were never created, for traits of me and my spouse that will never be passed on to anyone.  This piece of me will probably always be there.  But, instead of trying to shove it aside, shrink it, or trying to put other things in its place I need to let it be.  I need to accept that it is part of me and makes me who I am.  It might be an experience that other people want to ignore, but it is an experience that I need to learn to embrace because it is who I am now.  Easier said than done, right!

It’s Only a Matter of Time

Baptism By Fire’s recent post Running out, about losing her friends without children is a topic that I have been thinking about the past month. 

A friend posted on facebook that they are expecting recently, just inside their 1 year marriage mark.  While I am happy for them I was shocked that she would make this public announcement at 5 weeks pregnant!  I was amazed that she would make that announcement so early in her pregnancy, and with her being a nurse I am sure she has plenty of knowledge of all things that could possibly go wrong, but then again she has never lived in the infertility world where things in that area of life just don’t work out as planned.  So, I hope everything goes well for her.

A few weeks later I was at my other friend’s house waiting for her to get ready so we could go out.  I was standing next to her bookshelf looking at what she has to read.  We have swapped books several times so I didn’t think she would mind me looking at her bookcase in her living room.  I spied the dreaded book that pregnant people read when they are expecting (I don’t want to name the book here as to not draw innocent Google searchers to my barren womb blog).  Next to it was a book about being a father, and next to that one was a book of baby names.  This set of friends has just been married 1 year also.  I stood there and realized that they will probably be next to join the parenting group.  Our circle of carefree friends that can do any activity on a whim will once again be shrinking.

I have done this circuit before.  When our friends have children we see them less.  Our get-togethers become less frequent.  They must get home in the night earlier than us, or arrange for overnight sitters.  They plan activities that exclude us because they are kid oriented.  We have found new friendships during these prior wakes that fill in the holes that were left, but it still sucks to cycle through again.

With the culture in the state that I reside in, people start their families a lot earlier here than in other parts of the US.  Early 20’s is standard.  This leaves the pool of childfree/childless people in our age group pretty sparse.  Both of my above mentioned friends are 9 to 7 years younger than me now. So where does this leave me now getting ready to look for new friends?  Ok so picture this, currently I have gotten back my acne problems since my Dr took me off birth control after my surgery.  33 and acne is not a good combination!  Plus to add to the awkwardness I am getting braces next week!  I have finally decided to fix my overbite that I have always been self-conscious of.  I hate looking at pictures of me if I am smiling too big because it is more gums than teeth.  I know it is a vanity thing, but I figure why not just fix it now rather than complain about it the rest of my life.  So I have been picturing my 30 something self with acne and braces looking for new friends out of the 20 something childfree pool!  So I am laughing at myself picturing my dorky self out there trying to find new friendsJ 

I’m actually pretty happy with myself right now.  This would have left me devastated in the past.  But then again my second friend isn’t pregnant yet and I don’t even know for sure if they are trying.  I just found some books on the shelf that have lead me to waste time thinking about something that isn’t even happening.  Infertility leaves you trying to brace and prepare for events that haven’t even happened.

Paradigms

I have been absence from this blog for a while.  Not on purpose, life just got a little busy for me.  So to catch you up…I finished up my summer semester and went straight into a big home improvement project.  We replaced the roof on our house by ourselves with the help of some amazing friends of ours.  That was 2 layers of shingles that had to be torn off and new shingles put on.  It was a big project but it felt so good to watch it slowly come together and ended with a terrific emotion of self-accomplishment.  And for some reason it amazes everyone that I was on the roof helping to shingle (I must not have the look of a roofer) and my roof is 3 stories high at the back of the house.  Our land is sloped and we have a walk out basement.  I never thought before that I had a fear of heights, but I can tell you with confidence that I do have a fear of 3 story high ledges!  This took a couple of weeks since we both work full time and could only work on the roof weekends and evening. After that we went straight into play mode.  Within 1 week I traveled to Vegas for a few days with a close girlfriend of mine, M and I went to the sand dunes in Idaho to play on atvs with several friends over one weekend, and we went to Wyoming to visit my parents.  That trip was supposed to end with a day fishing, but due to some allergic reactions I was having I came home early without M while he finished out the trip.  All in all, it has been several happy/busy/full weeks.

Tonight we talked about paradigms that people have.  A paradigm is the way we see, interpert, and understand things around us and the world.   Now the class is a business class, but the conversation shifted to personal matters and examples.  As I sat there and absorbed the information in the class I could relate everything that was being said to our infertility journey.

We started ttc like any couple, we had a paradigm that we would have a family and although we had an inkling that our journey to our family might take us longer than others (because of problems I had associated with my cycles) we didn’t have any doubt that our dream wouldn’t come true.  As the years passed us by and we watched our friends and family start and add to their families our paradigm of our family shifted.  It included different ART that we would use, but it would be worth the sacrifice to get our family, because families come with sacrifice anyways and we just had to sacrifice more at the beginning of the journey than most other people did.  We had another shift in our family paradigm when our family dream dwindled to a family of 2.  We realized that this was probably our future.  M accepted it faster and with more grace than I did (still am).  As I struggled it really bothered me that other people couldn’t accept that we are just a family of 2.  It would grate on my nerves and emotions when people still wanted to tell me about every miracle birth or adoption story.  I felt like other people didn’t want me to accept our decision and I took it personally.

I have been taking this graduate degree program with the same group of people since January.  This is our 5^th class together.  We have gotten to know each other and it is more personal than traditional college courses.  As our teacher was having us introduce ourselves to him today (since our teachers change with each class) one guy mentioned that he is a new father to his 3^rd child this week, another guy brought up that he and his wife will soon be empty nesters, and towards the end of the introductions a third guy mentioned that they brought home a baby this week to adopt.  I could feel the evil green monster building in me.  The third announcement just brought the jealousy brimming inside me.  Yet again I don’t have a family announcement.  I felt like an outsider in yet another group.  I sat there for a while and kind of tuned things out while I blinked away the tears that were beginning to sting my eyes.  No I didn’t cry, it was just the threat of them.  This didn’t last long and I tuned back into class.

Later in the class, the idea of paradigm shifts was talked about and how shifting relationships with people from dependent to independent relationships with private victories.  When you are a dependent person what other people do and say affect your emotions and actions.  The goal is to become independent where you are the one that affects your emotions and reactions.  I realized that I have been waiting for the world to accept our childless paradigm shift, and I am the one that needs to accept it.  I have been waiting for acceptance and recognition of this shift which is my own internal battle.  I know that we have made this decision, but I need to really see it as it is, and all of a sudden I felt differently.  This is my life, and I need to take responsibility of my feelings.  I felt such a drastic change in my feelings where just a little over an hour earlier I was close to tears because of the helplessness I was feeling, where currently I was feeling powerful and in control of my feelings and my life.  Then as I was feeling this shift from helplessness to powerful this quote from Stephen Covey was placed on the screen.

                If you want small changes, work on your behavior, if you want quantum-leap changes, work on your paradigms.

I’m going to have to think more about this subject and this powerful feeling it is giving me.

Raising Kitties

Raising Kitties

Friday was desolate at my work.  It is the end of July and a lot of people are on vacations.  In the afternoon I found myself surrounded by 2 ladies that are now grandmas, and for some reason they both decided to let me know how they wished that they had opted to “raise kitties instead of children” and told me of all the hard times they are having with their grown children right now.

Even though I was glaring daggers though them as they told ME about the pitfalls of parenthood in MY cubicle area, they didn’t notice.

What can you do?

I took a deep breathe and realized that I have been talking about embracing the joy in my life and it’s time to start acting on it.

Here are my kitties I am raising, and how I do love both of my boys.

Both boys were born to wild feral cats in our area. The orange stipe one is 2 years old, and the siamese mix is 12. M got the older one when we were dating and the orange one was abandoned by his mother in our pump house in the field. They are both fixed, live indoors and outdoors, catch rodents and birds, and pretty much rule our house. We own 2 acres that they prowl. The siamese mix is ornery and hates strangers. He does cuddle to M or I, but only on his terms and when he deems necessary. The orange stripe is a purring and cuddling machine.   Our older cat was not happy when the orange one moved in, but they are now good company for each other.

So, even though this happened Friday and this blog post idea happened Friday (as soon as I stopped glaring daggers through my 2 co-workers), I have been too busy to post about it.  Raising kitties gives me the freedom to go to school for 8 hours this weekend, attend 1 bbq at a friend’s house, talk my sweet M into taking me to a movie, and spend a glorious Sunday at the pool with friends and then go get pizza and beer for dinner. 

Ah… the freedom of raising kitties!  This was a great weekend:)

Domestic Oblivion and Dream Fulfillment

I was reading Life Without Baby’s blog post about Amelia Earhart.  There were two things that really grabbed my attention in this article.   The first was that Amelia Earhart didn’t want to turn into a domestic robot and disappear into domestic oblivion.  She was someone who knew what she wanted to do and went for it.  The term “domestic oblivion” kept circling around in my head.  I began wondering if my own mom lost herself in domestic oblivion.  My parents raised 6 kids, and there is a big difference in how they raised the older kids versus the younger kids.  I remember when I was young there were times when my mom really struggled.  When she got married she was pregnant and my parents moved to my dad’s home town.  It is a little town in Wyoming.  My mom didn’t know anyone there except for my dad and his parents.  This little town isn’t very accepting of strangers.  I realized this growing up and watching kids move into our community.  My mom has told me that she did have a hard time because she didn’t have any friends around.  She only had little kids, my dad and his parents.  I know she suffered from depression and I remember her locking herself in her bedroom for hours during those dark times.  I didn’t really understand what was going on, I just knew she was sad. I wonder if she was lost in domestic oblivion and felt there was no way out. 

Then I began thinking about domestic oblivion and myself.  I was looking forward to domestic oblivion. The pitter patter of little feet and the things I could teach them that my mom taught me.  I share the love of crafts that my own mother has.  I love to crochet, it’s my favorite.  I want more time to sew.  My mother is an amazing seamstress and I wish I could get to her level.  I want more time to put together warm comfy quilts.  I want more time to put together my scrapbooks and the memories those help forge.  I would love to learn how to cook well and have the time to cook from scratch.  I need more time to spin my own yarn on my dust collecting spinning wheel that my mom passed down to me.  I want the loom at my mother’s house to come to my house and get used.  Ah…domestic oblivion.  I don’t think my idea of domestic oblivion would be the same thoughts that my mother had on it.

The second thing that I was thinking about was in the comment section some people were talking about fulfilling your dreams.  This is a problem when your dream was to be a mother and it just doesn’t work out.  I’m currently trying to find new dreams.  When your goal was for years to be a mom and raise a family, what is left?  This is my reason for going back to school to see if there is something else I want to do so life doesn’t feel so much like drudgery. I hope I can find something that will help me enjoy my days more. Hopefully there be a morning when I wake up and don’t think about the things I don’t have.  I need to wake up and think about what is ahead of me, not what is denied me.

Maybe I need to cut myself some slack and let go of some of the self loathing I have in wasting my time on spending so many years ttc.  It was my goal, and I tried my hardest to make that goal reality.  Why do I hate myself so much because of it?  Is it because of failure?  So I failed, I need to feel that it was ok that I failed, but I don’t feel that it is ok.  I need to accept the failure, to own it.  Not be embarrassed by it, because I am humiliated deep down inside of me. 

Beware, this one is a rant

I mentioned in my prior post that we were going to a friend’s family cabin this last weekend.  It was a good time with no small children, but this complaint is about one conversation with an adult.

Someone M and I have only met once or twice showed up and after he had a few drinks into him he started talking about how he is upset and how he is going to be a Grandpa soon.  He isn’t happy with the guy that his teenage daughter is having a baby with.  I braced myself to hear all about the situation.  After he had talked about it a few people had wandered off so it was a small group sitting in the shade and he turned to M and I and asked how many kids we had.  This is the conversation:

M: Zero

Soon to be Grandpa:  Oh, you don’t have any kids?

M: No kids

Soon to be Grandpa:  How long have you been married?

M: 11 years

Soon to be Grandpa:  Why don’t you want to have kids?  Having kids is the best thing I have ever done with my life.

M:  Dude, we can’t have kids.

Soon to be Grandpa:  Oh…

Here is where Soon to be Grandpa rattles on about how much he loves his kids and how he has a revolving door policy so his kids know they are always welcome in his house, and on and on.

Ok, giving the guy the benefit of the doubt I realized that he had consumed a few drinks and was upset about a situation in his family.  But why does he get to be an ass about it?  Why after finding out that having children is something that we are not able to do does he go on to gloat? 

I guess we were the ones that sat there and let him go on like that, but what an idiot.

Thanks, it’s now off my chest

Hiding

I haven’t really had a lot to say lately, IRL or here.  I have been keeping myself really busy so I don’t have much free time.  I’m still busy with my summer classes and work is busy so I’m putting in a few extra hours.  My yard has somehow sprung out of control, probably because I ignored it this spring after my surgery.  I have been squeezing in some maintenance and repairs on the house we live in and the house that we rent out.  I have been avoiding meeting M’s new nephews and babies that our friends have had the last few months.  Family and friends keep mentioning to me that we need to go see these babies, but I have not been making the time for that.  I rarely make time to see our friends, forget about their kids.

I came to the assumption that to the outside world it may look like I’m hiding, but I don’t think that is exactly correct.  Maybe you could call it hiding in the short term, but in my mind I feel like it is more like preparing for the future.  I feel calm and more peace with my emotions right now.  I haven’t had any emotional breakdowns, no tears.  I am working hard to have a better future for M and I.  I’m excited as I can check off each class as I get closer to attaining my Master’s degree.  I’m hoping that what I am doing at work will be noticed.  I want to get our house and our rental house in good shape in case we decide that a move is in our future and they need to be sold.  I am working on my projects and my to-do list because I feel good about myself when I can delete items off it. 

I am getting out this weekend and going with some friends to their family cabin in a neighboring state.  I know this will be a fairly child free weekend and I am excited for this fact. 

So to the outside world it may look like I am hiding, but this emotional calm that I am finding is worth the little bit of distance I have created for the time being.

Word of the Day

Word of the Day

After M and I decided to stop fertility treatments I started thinking about going back to school and getting my Master’s degree.  I started looking into what the entrance exams required and signed up for a daily email for a word of the day.  The entrance exams had a verbal section and I wanted to expand my verbal word recognition.  I passed my entrance exam last year but I still get the word of the day emails.  Today I got my first infertility related word of the day after almost 2 years of these emails!  Here is a link to the actual website for the word. 

The word today is ectopic.  The definition is “Occurring in an abnormal position or place; displaced”.  Also for the origin of the word, “Ectopic is from the invented Greek word ectopia meaning "out of place." It was coined in 1873.” 

I have never had an ectopic pregnancy, but I know too many infertility bloggers have.

I was just excited to see an infertility topic in my emails this morning and thought I would share it in this post.

Invisible?

I have been absent from my blog this last month.  Life has just gotten busy and my blog and blog reading got moved to the back burner for a bit, but I’m catching up. 

I do have a question for my blog friends.  I want to know if this situation is common, or if it’s just something about me that makes people not remember important information about me.

I went to lunch today with a friend and our waitress turned out to be someone that I was friends with several years ago.  She actually grew up in M’s neighborhood so he has known her since they were young.  About 6 to 10 years ago I hung out with this girl quite often, until she got pregnant and had her son.  Her son is now 5 or 6.  I do see this former friend about once a year in random situations, but we are not friends like we used to be since our lives went in different directions when she got pregnant.  We don’t contact each other or keep in touch, but the town I live in isn’t huge so we do run into each other occasionally.

I know last fall when I saw her, she had asked if M and I had kids yet, and instead of giving the common “no” or “not yet” answer I told her “we were not able to have a child”.  I remember this because I started using this answer and people’s reactions are a lot different when you say this to them.  I remember having a brief conversation that we had tried for years and used fertility treatments, but didn’t go into details. 

So, why would she ask me again today if M and I had kids?

This is a big piece of information to tell people, and this isn’t the first time I have told someone that we weren’t able to have kids, only to have them forget and ask us at a different time if we have kids.  Is it just me, and people don’t remember what I say, or invest the thought to remember that I had shared this important information with them, or does this happen to anyone else out there?

This is really frustrating.  I don’t want to keep having the same conversation with people.  Bringing it up once is bad enough.  I don’t tell this to people that we just meet, but rather people that know, or have known us.

When she came back to our table with our food she asked my lunch friend if she had kids, and she doesn’t.  My lunch friend is in her mid 20’s and just been married for 1 year.  Then my former friend started to tell us how lucky we are that we don’t have step children and have to pay out $XXX.XX dollars a month, and that how she could buy a house, or this or that if they didn’t have to pay child support.  I am pretty sure that my former friend has just turned insensitive and can’t see past her own life.  It’s a pretty weird thing to say to someone you were friends with over 6 years ago and a stranger. 

Compassion

My mom has turned into a surprising listener to my IF emotions in the last few months.  I don’t get to see her very often, but I now feel like I can talk to her about a few of these things.  I reached out to her about my emotions in December and she has sat up and started to take notice of things.  She admitted that she knew I was suffering, but didn’t know how to approach me about our infertility.  She was waiting for me to bring it up since I am generally a private person and don’t talk about my emotions.  How surprised she would be if she found this blog!  I think that being raised in a family with 6 children I just grew accustomed to keeping my feelings in.  It seems like there are a couple of my siblings that have always required more time and emotions from my parents, and still do to this day.  It took a lot for me to reach out to her, and I was so relieved when she was open to listen.

I was talking to her recently about some struggles I have been having with jealousy and the ugly green monster, and she told me that out of all of her children she considers me the most compassionate, and she had always thought I would be a great parent.  This comment made me think a lot.  I think that a lot of my compassion in my adult life has been created out of my infertility.  It has made me stop and think about other people’s situations.  At the same time I don’t feel compassionate to certain people.  I can’t tolerate to listen to a friend or family member complain about how hard it is to be a parent.  I can’t listen to someone talk about how excited they are to be pregnant.  I absolutely can’t stand to hear someone say that they got their miracle, wish, or prayer answered when they got pregnant.  When I hear these things I don’t think about their feelings, I automatically think of myself and what is missing from my life.  I don’t agree with my mom.  I am not a truly compassionate person. 

Maybe someday this can be a goal for me.  I don’t want to become a bitter old hag and have a piece of me remain broken and be uncompassionate to other people.  But for now I’m going to have to leave that part broken while I work on healing my infertility wounds and becoming whole again.

6 Weeks

It’s been a long 6 weeks since my surgery, but things are getting better.  I’m sure now that summer is here the time will start flying again.  I went and saw my doctor yesterday and he says everything looks good.  Now we just wait and see if my old (not nice) friend endo comes back.  He said if it does he would like to try progesterone to treat it.  Anyone ever treated their endo with progesterone?  I should probably go look up some endo blogs.  I’m sure I can find someone talking about it somewhere out here in blog world.  My other doctors have only tried to treat it with birth control.  I have been on birth control since we stopped fertility treatments a year and a half ago.  I’m going off the pill again.  It was 8 ½ years ago when I went off the pill when we decided to start ttc.  The feelings are so different this time.  Back then it was so exciting and frightening to think we were taking the next step in our lives by having a child.  Now I just feel dread that my endo will come back and I will have to start all over with the pain.  I’m trying to think positive and hope that endo will not be back to terrorize my insides again, but it’s easier to just expect that it will be back.

Thanks to all my friends that left me the supportive comments on my last post.  It’s so nice to know that I am not alone with feeling certain ways.  I promise I will be stronger!  I think I must revert back to living life one day at a time.  Living in the short term right now feels easier.

The Bombshell (and please don’t judge me)

I don’t know what kind of reaction this post will get.  I am in no means trying to belittle or hurt any feelings to anyone who has or is in the process of adoption.   I have so far tried to avoid the adoption topic….I have been very nervous about posting on this topic.  I have also been trying not to post too much family information.  This post will probably have to be removed if my blog gets discovered by family.  It may just get removed in a week to keep myself safe.

First, adoption to me feels like the door has been shut but not locked.  After we decided to stop fertility treatments I started looking into adoption and reading and telling M about everything I found.  We always thought that we would be open to having adoption as an option.  I found an agency in our area of our state and I kept going back to them.  We started looking at the application process and realized that at the time we didn’t meet all the requirements.  We had done IVF just a few months prior and M had just changed jobs which led to some other things we didn’t meet at the time (we will leave the nitty gritty details out).  I basically had an emotional meltdown when I realized that we didn’t fit the mold right then.  Had we not had enough struggles in trying to have children?  M then asked me let go of adoption for a few years.  He thought we had lost part of ourselves and we needed time to find these parts of us .  M told me that he could live the rest of his life happy with just me and he hoped that I could do the same.

So, that leads me to where I am now.  I am trying to find out who I am again.   I am trying to embrace the childfree life.  I don’t know if we will ever try to open the adoption door.  M is happy and I think he doesn’t want to turn around in a few years and approach the adoption door.  I think it is holding me back on my process of moving forward.  I have stored the idea of it in the back of my mind and I try not to think about it very much.  I’m sorry if you think I am a poser by having a childfree/childless blog when I have a tiny piece of me holding onto the adoption idea.

Back to the present, last night I was happy and we had just gotten back from a walk with our relatives.  We were driving home the next morning and I was actually feeling pretty happy with the weekend.   M’s sister called to announce that they were adopting a baby.  This news then turned the house upside down.  Normally everyone would be excited and happy that an adoption would add a new family member.  Nope….M’s mom told her that she can’t be excited for her!  Everyone started talking loudly and over each other and everyone was upset.  People were blaming other people for withholding information, and we were just trying to get the information straight. 

The problem here is that the couple (at least in our eyes) does not have a good relationship.  No less than 6 months ago M picked up his sister and moved her, her dog and her belongings into our house because she said she was going to get a divorce.  The reason why was because her husband refused to get a job or even apply for a job.  This is not the first time this has happened either (sister moving out or her husband refusing to work).  She went back to him after a few days like the times before.  He is currently not working.  The sister has said several times before that she can’t have a baby with him until things in their relationship change. 

I think I was in disbelief at first and just thought that they were talking or thinking about adoption.  I even said out loud, “M and I couldn’t even get into adoption when we looked into it, how could they?”  Which led to looks of disbelief by all of the present family members and questions such as “When did you look into adoption?” “Why can’t you adopt?” “You wanted to adopt?”  I felt like yelling “DUH” to all of them.  Why would they think that with our infertility we would not have at least looked into adoption?  Anyways that wasn’t the topic for very long.  We were then all informed that the husband’s family knew the family who wanted to give the baby up for adoption, this baby was already born, his family was moving this girl and baby to our state to help with the adoption process, the husband’s parents were paying for the adoption (since the couple has absolutely no money), and the husband was currently in the other state and pictures were being emailed of him holding this baby.  Phew…did you get it all?  I’m not sure if I even got it all.  The topic then turned into useless talk about how this baby will be taken care of.  I opened my laptop and shut my brain down until they all went to bed.

Here entered that evil green monster.  I spent the night crying after everyone finally left the living room (our makeshift bedroom for the weekend).  I had to keep it in until everyone went to bed since we didn’t have a private room.  M kept asking me why I was crying, and telling me not to take it personal.  I just wasn’t prepared for this news and it hit me hard.  I kept thinking of the blogs I have read of the people waiting for adoption and I felt so sad that this baby wasn’t going to them or a happy responsible parent.  It wasn’t that I wanted this baby to come to me.  I just don’t feel like it is supposed to be this way.  There are just so many people waiting for their baby.  I felt like all my wounds I have been working on healing got ripped open.  I felt so raw and hurt.  I cried and cried.  Over-reaction….probably.

I feel like if I have to deal with my infertility than at least our family members should be happy loving responsible parents…this made me think of my family and other hurt I have been trying to hide.  My brother and his wife lost custody of their daughters last year.  It was so hard for me to watch this happen.  M and I would never have our own children and I had to watch my own family members choose addictions over their children.  This experience broke my soul last year, and is way too lengthy for this post.  Their children are back with them now, and they are doing a lot better, but why do I have to watch this? 

Sometimes I just feel like a freak show with empty arms and an empty heart.

Support

I need to thank all my friends that left me the supportive comments on my last post.  I appreciate every one of them.  I especially loved Mali’s advice about going shopping for some items that support me and my breastsJ  Just to let you know Mali…I took your advice and couldn’t stop smiling after.

Well tomorrow we are heading home from visiting family.  Before we left on this trip I kept thinking about how the weekend would revolve around my SIL that is expecting in the next month and I was dreading this.  The weekend didn’t really turn out that way.  That wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined.  I enjoyed spending time with my niece and nephew.  I actually thought that I would make it through the weekend relatively unscathed until a bombshell was dropped tonight.  I’m not really ready to talk about this bombshell yet…somehow I managed to walk out of the room without losing it.  But, it just proved to me how oblivious people are to our infertility situation.

I’m welcoming tomorrow.

Backsliding

The last few weeks I have felt good, physically and emotionally.  Physically I felt like I was recovering from my surgery getting stronger and emotionally I felt happier and in control of my life.  I was super busy, but I felt like I was accomplishing things.

I have been backsliding this week.  I wake up in the mornings and the first thing I think about is infertility.  I haven’t done this for several months.  I look back and question our choices, wondering if the outcome could have been different if 5 years ago we would have done choice B, or if 2 years ago we would have chose choice C.  I know this isn’t healthy, and I’m not sure why I am doing it.  I don’t know why I am doing it when I thought I felt so happy and content just last week.

I think the upcoming weekend probably has something to do with it.  We have a 3 day weekend for the Memorial Day holiday Monday and we are traveling to visit family.  There is a very pregnant SIL that will be having a baby in the next month or so.  I dread that the talk all weekend will be full of everything baby.  I’m happy for them, but I am sad about my circumstance.  How is it possible to be happy and yet so sad at the same time?

Another thing that is bothering me is that I went shopping Monday for some new clothes.  My surgery belly is being a pest!  When I returned to work I had to pull out my bigger work pants.  Which brought back bad memories.  I bought these bigger clothes when we were going through fertility treatments and my body was swelling and gaining weight from the hormones.  Back then I didn’t really mind that I had to wear larger pants.  I was hoping they would be the start of my maternity wardrobe, but they never fulfilled that destiny.  I have these larger slacks to wear to work, but I needed some larger casual clothes to wear over the weekend.  I can actually get my regular clothes on, it’s just that they rub on my incision spots and are not comfortable.  I guess I could spend the weekend in stretchy workout clothes, but I think it’s time to get out of them.  So I bought some larger shorts because where we are going is warmer than where I live.  It was just depressing to go shopping and having to buy clothes for my newly rounded belly that isn’t carrying a new life.  Not that I expected to have a new life in my belly, i just keep thinking that it looks like i have the start of a pregnant belly by its roundness.

I need to focus and occupy these thoughts from the past or finally (somehow) accept them.

Eleven

Eleven years this week M and I were married in a garden gazebo at a casino in Las Vegas.  M was 21 and I was 22.  It wasn’t what everyone thinks when they think of a Las Vegas wedding.  Most people picture a quick run into the little chapel in whatever you want to wear, and next thing you know you are married.  Ours was in a beautiful garden, I had my white dress, M wore a tux, and some of our family was with us.  I loved it.  It was simple with no big fuss.  Kind of like meJ 

After we were married we spent a few more days in Vegas and then worked our way back home to Utah and visited Zion National Park.  I hadn’t ever been to this Park and it was breathtaking. 

I have mentioned before that although M and I are not the religious type, we do come from religious families.  It was assumed that since we were married in Vegas, and not in a church setting, that I was “knocked up” and for months after our wedding family kept asking us when we were having a baby.  At the time we would laugh about those odd questions, and think up ways to answer them such as “oh, not for a few years” or “we don’t want kids yet”.  Little did we know the joke was really on us?  Well, 11 years later those family members have finally started to stop asking about babies. 

We have had our share of ups and downs just like everyone else.  It is bittersweet to hear other newlyweds talk about their life plans.  They have everything planned out and expect it to turn out that way.  I remember thinking like that.  We stalled in our lives for 7 years while we were ttc.  At times our infertility has brought us closer and also pushed us apart.  I believe that we are currently at a point where we are still recovering and grieving from our inability to have a child, but we are strong and I feel that we are getting closer.  I currently picture us stepping into our new lives, hand in hand, probably M pulling me at times since I tend to lag a little… but we are moving forward.

We are celebrating our anniversary this weekend.  As soon as I get out of school Saturday we are heading to a neighboring state where we have reserved a suite and plan on having a fun night away from real life.

Thank you M for choosing me, and I look forward to the next 11 with you.

***I look at these pictures and miss M's long hair!

A fail, but I’m ok with it

Well, as you can tell I didn’t make it very far into the May Challenge.  I gave myself the challenge to post every day before I went back to work.  Let’s just say my body is struggling to keep up with work, school, and everyday life.  I am beat!  This blog has been moved down on the priority list.  So don’t mind me… I will just continue to be an infrequent blogger.

Mother’s day is this weekend.  With my sluggish body I much more concerned with making it through each day rather than the upcoming holiday.  But, I wanted to let you all know how grateful I am to have found you.  I don’t feel as isolated as I have in prior years.

To Do List

I keep a To Do List on my phone.  It started out as my new year’s resolution for 2011.  My goal was to complete 100 items on my To Do List.  I didn’t start out with 100 items on my list.  I started out with about 40 and added more throughout the year.  I could put anything on the list with the only requirement that each item had to be something that would take more than 20 minutes to do.  Things on my list included books I wanted to read, projects I wanted to do to our house and our rental, items I wanted to make, get passports, etc.  I did complete my goal for 2011 in the last part of November, but I didn’t get rid of the list.  I have just kept adding to it since I created it.  In 2012 I didn’t want to keep track of how many items I completed so I am not counting them.  The problem is that I currently have 101 items on my list and I find even thinking about my list overwhelming.  I think last year my list helped me get a lot of things accomplished, but I had more time on my hands since I was not going to school.

What do you think?  Do you keep lists, and if you do how do you be productive and not get overwhelmed with the list?  I am hesitant to delete my list because everything on my list is things that I do want to do or accomplish.  How do you keep the rate at which you add things to your list in line with the rate at which you actually accomplish individual items?  Do you think it is obvious that I am too concerned with keeping my list and I should give up and chuck it?:)