Baptism By Fire’s recent post Running out, about losing her friends without children is a topic that I have been thinking about the past month.
A friend posted on facebook that they are expecting recently, just inside their 1 year marriage mark. While I am happy for them I was shocked that she would make this public announcement at 5 weeks pregnant! I was amazed that she would make that announcement so early in her pregnancy, and with her being a nurse I am sure she has plenty of knowledge of all things that could possibly go wrong, but then again she has never lived in the infertility world where things in that area of life just don’t work out as planned. So, I hope everything goes well for her.
A few weeks later I was at my other friend’s house waiting for her to get ready so we could go out. I was standing next to her bookshelf looking at what she has to read. We have swapped books several times so I didn’t think she would mind me looking at her bookcase in her living room. I spied the dreaded book that pregnant people read when they are expecting (I don’t want to name the book here as to not draw innocent Google searchers to my barren womb blog). Next to it was a book about being a father, and next to that one was a book of baby names. This set of friends has just been married 1 year also. I stood there and realized that they will probably be next to join the parenting group. Our circle of carefree friends that can do any activity on a whim will once again be shrinking.
I have done this circuit before. When our friends have children we see them less. Our get-togethers become less frequent. They must get home in the night earlier than us, or arrange for overnight sitters. They plan activities that exclude us because they are kid oriented. We have found new friendships during these prior wakes that fill in the holes that were left, but it still sucks to cycle through again.
With the culture in the state that I reside in, people start their families a lot earlier here than in other parts of the US. Early 20’s is standard. This leaves the pool of childfree/childless people in our age group pretty sparse. Both of my above mentioned friends are 9 to 7 years younger than me now. So where does this leave me now getting ready to look for new friends? Ok so picture this, currently I have gotten back my acne problems since my Dr took me off birth control after my surgery. 33 and acne is not a good combination! Plus to add to the awkwardness I am getting braces next week! I have finally decided to fix my overbite that I have always been self-conscious of. I hate looking at pictures of me if I am smiling too big because it is more gums than teeth. I know it is a vanity thing, but I figure why not just fix it now rather than complain about it the rest of my life. So I have been picturing my 30 something self with acne and braces looking for new friends out of the 20 something childfree pool! So I am laughing at myself picturing my dorky self out there trying to find new friendsJ
I’m actually pretty happy with myself right now. This would have left me devastated in the past. But then again my second friend isn’t pregnant yet and I don’t even know for sure if they are trying. I just found some books on the shelf that have lead me to waste time thinking about something that isn’t even happening. Infertility leaves you trying to brace and prepare for events that haven’t even happened.
I'm friends with an older mother whose kids have gone out of their house. With an empty nester, although of course sometimes we do talk about her children, most of the times we talk about many other different topics. :-)
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately this good friend of mine will move away soon, but at least we can still connect through the internet. :-) Other than that, I think I have many more blogger friends compared to IRL friends. It's definitely NOT easy making friends, but here's to us in making new friends! :-)
P.S. Sometimes I also run the stats in my brain. Most of my school friends that I connect through FB again have gotten married and some of them have even gone on to having THREE kids already! (I'll be 34 y.o. soon) A small group, though, are still single. I know another small group that have gotten married for years and yet without kids yet, but most of them have baby pics.
I can relate to your bracing and preparing for events that haven't happened, though. One best friend has been TTC since the beginning of this year and I've been telling myself, "It's gonna happen to them this month. Soon. It IS going to happen. Just accept it as a the truth." --> my way of trying to soften the blow of hearing the pregnancy news sometime in the future...
Whoops...typo on this part: "I know another small group that have gotten married for years and yet without kids yet, but most of them have baby pics." ---> This part should be: I know another small group that have gotten married for years and yet without kids yet. A few of them I've personally got to know their TTC problems.
DeleteConclusion of calculating the stats: most of them have baby/kiddo pics/albums.
Oh yeah...forgot to add: I'm SO SORRY to hear about your acne problem. :-( I had acne trouble in my younger days - bad enough that my Mom took me to a skin specialist and I had to take medication and stuff to heal my face. It took perhaps over 2 years and my Mom spent lots of money to "fix my face". I don't know how bad your acne condition is, but I hope someone can help you with that...
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWait until your friends start becoming GRANDPARENTS (which is what is happening to me these days...!). I had almost flawless skin as a teenager, & I have had more zits in my 30s & onward than I ever had then. Go figure. :p
ReplyDeleteYour last sentence summed things up beautifully.
Yep, you nailed it here: "Infertility leaves you trying to brace and prepare for events that haven’t even happened."
ReplyDeleteI'm in that boat too - lost at sea while every one (bar one) has gone away on the Good Ship Parenting, and wow... demotion in a friendship was never so real as when other ladies become mums (lucky them of course, but I miss them too). And that leaves us in the new camp of having to kind of start over. I'd like to write a post about this soon as like the others above, it is on my mind a lot recently. It's strange having to think about finding new friends when you haven't actually fallen out with others, but the friendship has changed. And I'm so shy of making friends with others recently unless I know that they are not going to change and dump me again (it's just another form of relationship issue that doesn't get real acknowledgment I guess). Shame Utah is so far away :)
Good luck with your skin - seems to be a thing that can come back in the mid-30's for a little while, but then settles down again.
And speaking of dreading / bracing for events that haven't happened yet, loribeth mentions friends becoming Grandparents (as well as our sisters, brothers, in-laws, etc). I guess all that's to come. Something else to prepare for I guess.
ReplyDeleteThe cracked out hormones of my failed IVF made my acne resurface. It had been pretty much under control for the past 14 years. But it got so bad that now I'm taking Accutane for the THIRD time in my life. At almost 33, that is SUCH bullshit! I have to wear gobs of makeup to even be presentable...and I hate makeup! IF takes away so much of our femininity as it is...we don't need skin problems making it worse! I feel ya :\
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your nice comments. It’s so nice to know that there are other people out in this world going through the same thing you are, or have done so in the past.
ReplyDeleteSad update on my friend with her FB pregnancy announcement…yep she’s not pregnant anymore. This is crappy news. At least I don’t have to worry about going through that kind of stuff right now!
Rainbow: Total bullshit! Accutane three times! Nobody should have to take that crap that many times. I couldn’t stand that. I took Accutane when I was 18 and it was an awful experience. My whole face peeled off several times. I’m giving my skin a few more months to see if it just needs to adjust to the hormone change in my body, if it doesn’t adjust I’ll haul my butt into the dermatologist and ask for help.
I loved your last line. It really does sum up our experience. Oh yes - and I have all stages at the moment. My sister and a couple of friends are grandparents. It hasn't really sunk in yet.
ReplyDelete