My mom has turned into a surprising listener to my IF emotions in the last few months. I don’t get to see her very often, but I now feel like I can talk to her about a few of these things. I reached out to her about my emotions in December and she has sat up and started to take notice of things. She admitted that she knew I was suffering, but didn’t know how to approach me about our infertility. She was waiting for me to bring it up since I am generally a private person and don’t talk about my emotions. How surprised she would be if she found this blog! I think that being raised in a family with 6 children I just grew accustomed to keeping my feelings in. It seems like there are a couple of my siblings that have always required more time and emotions from my parents, and still do to this day. It took a lot for me to reach out to her, and I was so relieved when she was open to listen.
I was talking to her recently about some struggles I have been having with jealousy and the ugly green monster, and she told me that out of all of her children she considers me the most compassionate, and she had always thought I would be a great parent. This comment made me think a lot. I think that a lot of my compassion in my adult life has been created out of my infertility. It has made me stop and think about other people’s situations. At the same time I don’t feel compassionate to certain people. I can’t tolerate to listen to a friend or family member complain about how hard it is to be a parent. I can’t listen to someone talk about how excited they are to be pregnant. I absolutely can’t stand to hear someone say that they got their miracle, wish, or prayer answered when they got pregnant. When I hear these things I don’t think about their feelings, I automatically think of myself and what is missing from my life. I don’t agree with my mom. I am not a truly compassionate person.
Maybe someday this can be a goal for me. I don’t want to become a bitter old hag and have a piece of me remain broken and be uncompassionate to other people. But for now I’m going to have to leave that part broken while I work on healing my infertility wounds and becoming whole again.