We had plans to go out with friends last Saturday night, and after my good news and bad news week I was ready for a night out. We decided to go to Ogden for dinner and a Comedy show. On a usual Saturday night we stay in our area and have a drink and hang out with friends at a local watering hole or one of our houses. We decided to do a little more than normal since a friend of M’s was changing shifts at work and we would no longer see him on weekend evenings. Our group that went was 3 couples including ourselves. We even borrowed my little sister’s car so that we could all fit in one vehicle. My baby sister (14 years younger than me) has been living with us for about the last year and a half while she attends the college in our town. Baby sister drives my Grandma’s Lincoln town car. The thing is huge, and has 6 seat belts!
Dinner was great. I had pepper jack pasta with shrimp and chicken. I don’t even remember what M had since my food was so good! The comedy club was just about a block from the restaurant so we walked down to it, which was a good idea because I ate too much pasta. Everyone was in a good mood joking and having a good time. The comedy show was really good. I laughed so hard, which was nice after having a final earlier that morning and having the stress from my endo results. There were 4 comedians and it was great until about half way through the last comedian's show. He started talking about how great it is to be a parent and making jokes about parents. I think my endo results made some of my emotions about not being a parent more raw than normal, or maybe it was just a stressful week. I didn’t find these jokes funny, and I realized that everyone else did. The room was bursting with laughter. He was definitely winning the audience over. The room is dark except for the spot light on the comedian and some lights around the exits so you can’t see very much of the audience. I turned and looked at M, just when the comedian said something about there is nothing better than being a dad. Something started to break inside me as I looked at M and thought how he isn’t a dad. I was looking at M’s face when he cut the next joke. I could see his silhouette holding still not laughing, while all the people around him were doubled over in laughter. All this movement and laughter around us, and I felt that M and I were so isolated. Obviously M didn’t find the dad joke funny either. I’m glad it was dark in the room because I couldn’t keep the tears back. I’m embarrassed to say a couple of fat tears made their way down my cheeks. It just felt so odd to be the couple in the room that didn’t find the parent jokes funny. M must have sensed me looking at him cause then he turned and looked at me and put his arm around me. Luckily the parent jokes didn’t last for long as the comedian moved onto another subject and my eyes dried. When I could tell he was almost done with his segment I made a quick exit to the bathroom to freshen up, check my makeup, and put a smile back on.
The drive back to our town was nice and we hung out at our friend’s house a little after we were back, swapping old stories and sharing more laughs. I really was a good night, I just never know when one of my infertility scars is going to open up and catch me off guard.