Even though I am no longer ttc I still do this in my head. As soon as I hear of one person being pregnant it seems like I go on alert. I start watching for ladies to be sick, longer than a flu cycle sick, or if they start covering themselves up more with clothing or covering their abdomens with their arms. This and other pregnancy sings that I have noticed from people in my past. I think I still do it as a sort of self-preservation technique. If I can guess they are pregnant before they make their big announcement I can have my happy face ready and not try to cover the shocked look that tends to be my first reaction.
I guess what has me thinking of this is that my pregnancy radar is on right now. M’s SIL announced perfectly over Christmas that they were expecting another baby. This really wasn’t a surprise for me. She has made it very clear that she wants a big family, so I knew it would be coming sooner or later. This turned the radar on. Lately I have been watching a coworker. She is one of the few people at work that actually asked about my infertility and had honest open questions. She was very candid and didn’t try to slide underhand comments about the fact that I am childless. It was refreshing to have someone not shrink from me when they found out about my situation. She started to withdraw from me a couple of months ago, and has been exhibiting signs that have perked my radar. She told me the end of last week that she was pregnant. I guess her withdrawing from me does have to do with the fact that she is pregnant. It does make me a little sad when my friends do that. I am happy for people that can get pregnant. I wouldn’t wish my situation on anyone that wants to have a family. My feelings of my infertility and my feelings for other people growing their families are two separate emotional entities now. How do you act so people don’t withdraw from you when they are able to get pregnant? Am I doing something wrong?
Anyways, I am on the lookout for pregnancy number 3. I have an idea who number 3 is, but we will have to see if it really is that relative. Hopefully I can find out soon so I can let my guard back down and feel normal again.