Raising Kitties

Raising Kitties

Friday was desolate at my work.  It is the end of July and a lot of people are on vacations.  In the afternoon I found myself surrounded by 2 ladies that are now grandmas, and for some reason they both decided to let me know how they wished that they had opted to “raise kitties instead of children” and told me of all the hard times they are having with their grown children right now.

Even though I was glaring daggers though them as they told ME about the pitfalls of parenthood in MY cubicle area, they didn’t notice.

What can you do?

I took a deep breathe and realized that I have been talking about embracing the joy in my life and it’s time to start acting on it.

Here are my kitties I am raising, and how I do love both of my boys.

Both boys were born to wild feral cats in our area. The orange stipe one is 2 years old, and the siamese mix is 12. M got the older one when we were dating and the orange one was abandoned by his mother in our pump house in the field. They are both fixed, live indoors and outdoors, catch rodents and birds, and pretty much rule our house. We own 2 acres that they prowl. The siamese mix is ornery and hates strangers. He does cuddle to M or I, but only on his terms and when he deems necessary. The orange stripe is a purring and cuddling machine.   Our older cat was not happy when the orange one moved in, but they are now good company for each other.

So, even though this happened Friday and this blog post idea happened Friday (as soon as I stopped glaring daggers through my 2 co-workers), I have been too busy to post about it.  Raising kitties gives me the freedom to go to school for 8 hours this weekend, attend 1 bbq at a friend’s house, talk my sweet M into taking me to a movie, and spend a glorious Sunday at the pool with friends and then go get pizza and beer for dinner. 

Ah… the freedom of raising kitties!  This was a great weekend:)

Domestic Oblivion and Dream Fulfillment

I was reading Life Without Baby’s blog post about Amelia Earhart.  There were two things that really grabbed my attention in this article.   The first was that Amelia Earhart didn’t want to turn into a domestic robot and disappear into domestic oblivion.  She was someone who knew what she wanted to do and went for it.  The term “domestic oblivion” kept circling around in my head.  I began wondering if my own mom lost herself in domestic oblivion.  My parents raised 6 kids, and there is a big difference in how they raised the older kids versus the younger kids.  I remember when I was young there were times when my mom really struggled.  When she got married she was pregnant and my parents moved to my dad’s home town.  It is a little town in Wyoming.  My mom didn’t know anyone there except for my dad and his parents.  This little town isn’t very accepting of strangers.  I realized this growing up and watching kids move into our community.  My mom has told me that she did have a hard time because she didn’t have any friends around.  She only had little kids, my dad and his parents.  I know she suffered from depression and I remember her locking herself in her bedroom for hours during those dark times.  I didn’t really understand what was going on, I just knew she was sad. I wonder if she was lost in domestic oblivion and felt there was no way out. 

Then I began thinking about domestic oblivion and myself.  I was looking forward to domestic oblivion. The pitter patter of little feet and the things I could teach them that my mom taught me.  I share the love of crafts that my own mother has.  I love to crochet, it’s my favorite.  I want more time to sew.  My mother is an amazing seamstress and I wish I could get to her level.  I want more time to put together warm comfy quilts.  I want more time to put together my scrapbooks and the memories those help forge.  I would love to learn how to cook well and have the time to cook from scratch.  I need more time to spin my own yarn on my dust collecting spinning wheel that my mom passed down to me.  I want the loom at my mother’s house to come to my house and get used.  Ah…domestic oblivion.  I don’t think my idea of domestic oblivion would be the same thoughts that my mother had on it.

The second thing that I was thinking about was in the comment section some people were talking about fulfilling your dreams.  This is a problem when your dream was to be a mother and it just doesn’t work out.  I’m currently trying to find new dreams.  When your goal was for years to be a mom and raise a family, what is left?  This is my reason for going back to school to see if there is something else I want to do so life doesn’t feel so much like drudgery. I hope I can find something that will help me enjoy my days more. Hopefully there be a morning when I wake up and don’t think about the things I don’t have.  I need to wake up and think about what is ahead of me, not what is denied me.

Maybe I need to cut myself some slack and let go of some of the self loathing I have in wasting my time on spending so many years ttc.  It was my goal, and I tried my hardest to make that goal reality.  Why do I hate myself so much because of it?  Is it because of failure?  So I failed, I need to feel that it was ok that I failed, but I don’t feel that it is ok.  I need to accept the failure, to own it.  Not be embarrassed by it, because I am humiliated deep down inside of me. 

Beware, this one is a rant

I mentioned in my prior post that we were going to a friend’s family cabin this last weekend.  It was a good time with no small children, but this complaint is about one conversation with an adult.

Someone M and I have only met once or twice showed up and after he had a few drinks into him he started talking about how he is upset and how he is going to be a Grandpa soon.  He isn’t happy with the guy that his teenage daughter is having a baby with.  I braced myself to hear all about the situation.  After he had talked about it a few people had wandered off so it was a small group sitting in the shade and he turned to M and I and asked how many kids we had.  This is the conversation:

M: Zero

Soon to be Grandpa:  Oh, you don’t have any kids?

M: No kids

Soon to be Grandpa:  How long have you been married?

M: 11 years

Soon to be Grandpa:  Why don’t you want to have kids?  Having kids is the best thing I have ever done with my life.

M:  Dude, we can’t have kids.

Soon to be Grandpa:  Oh…

Here is where Soon to be Grandpa rattles on about how much he loves his kids and how he has a revolving door policy so his kids know they are always welcome in his house, and on and on.

Ok, giving the guy the benefit of the doubt I realized that he had consumed a few drinks and was upset about a situation in his family.  But why does he get to be an ass about it?  Why after finding out that having children is something that we are not able to do does he go on to gloat? 

I guess we were the ones that sat there and let him go on like that, but what an idiot.

Thanks, it’s now off my chest

Hiding

I haven’t really had a lot to say lately, IRL or here.  I have been keeping myself really busy so I don’t have much free time.  I’m still busy with my summer classes and work is busy so I’m putting in a few extra hours.  My yard has somehow sprung out of control, probably because I ignored it this spring after my surgery.  I have been squeezing in some maintenance and repairs on the house we live in and the house that we rent out.  I have been avoiding meeting M’s new nephews and babies that our friends have had the last few months.  Family and friends keep mentioning to me that we need to go see these babies, but I have not been making the time for that.  I rarely make time to see our friends, forget about their kids.

I came to the assumption that to the outside world it may look like I’m hiding, but I don’t think that is exactly correct.  Maybe you could call it hiding in the short term, but in my mind I feel like it is more like preparing for the future.  I feel calm and more peace with my emotions right now.  I haven’t had any emotional breakdowns, no tears.  I am working hard to have a better future for M and I.  I’m excited as I can check off each class as I get closer to attaining my Master’s degree.  I’m hoping that what I am doing at work will be noticed.  I want to get our house and our rental house in good shape in case we decide that a move is in our future and they need to be sold.  I am working on my projects and my to-do list because I feel good about myself when I can delete items off it. 

I am getting out this weekend and going with some friends to their family cabin in a neighboring state.  I know this will be a fairly child free weekend and I am excited for this fact. 

So to the outside world it may look like I am hiding, but this emotional calm that I am finding is worth the little bit of distance I have created for the time being.

Word of the Day

Word of the Day

After M and I decided to stop fertility treatments I started thinking about going back to school and getting my Master’s degree.  I started looking into what the entrance exams required and signed up for a daily email for a word of the day.  The entrance exams had a verbal section and I wanted to expand my verbal word recognition.  I passed my entrance exam last year but I still get the word of the day emails.  Today I got my first infertility related word of the day after almost 2 years of these emails!  Here is a link to the actual website for the word. 

The word today is ectopic.  The definition is “Occurring in an abnormal position or place; displaced”.  Also for the origin of the word, “Ectopic is from the invented Greek word ectopia meaning "out of place." It was coined in 1873.” 

I have never had an ectopic pregnancy, but I know too many infertility bloggers have.

I was just excited to see an infertility topic in my emails this morning and thought I would share it in this post.