I was reading Life Without Baby’s blog post about Amelia Earhart. There were two things that really grabbed my attention in this article. The first was that Amelia Earhart didn’t want to turn into a domestic robot and disappear into domestic oblivion. She was someone who knew what she wanted to do and went for it. The term “domestic oblivion” kept circling around in my head. I began wondering if my own mom lost herself in domestic oblivion. My parents raised 6 kids, and there is a big difference in how they raised the older kids versus the younger kids. I remember when I was young there were times when my mom really struggled. When she got married she was pregnant and my parents moved to my dad’s home town. It is a little town in Wyoming. My mom didn’t know anyone there except for my dad and his parents. This little town isn’t very accepting of strangers. I realized this growing up and watching kids move into our community. My mom has told me that she did have a hard time because she didn’t have any friends around. She only had little kids, my dad and his parents. I know she suffered from depression and I remember her locking herself in her bedroom for hours during those dark times. I didn’t really understand what was going on, I just knew she was sad. I wonder if she was lost in domestic oblivion and felt there was no way out.
Then I began thinking about domestic oblivion and myself. I was looking forward to domestic oblivion. The pitter patter of little feet and the things I could teach them that my mom taught me. I share the love of crafts that my own mother has. I love to crochet, it’s my favorite. I want more time to sew. My mother is an amazing seamstress and I wish I could get to her level. I want more time to put together warm comfy quilts. I want more time to put together my scrapbooks and the memories those help forge. I would love to learn how to cook well and have the time to cook from scratch. I need more time to spin my own yarn on my dust collecting spinning wheel that my mom passed down to me. I want the loom at my mother’s house to come to my house and get used. Ah…domestic oblivion. I don’t think my idea of domestic oblivion would be the same thoughts that my mother had on it.
The second thing that I was thinking about was in the comment section some people were talking about fulfilling your dreams. This is a problem when your dream was to be a mother and it just doesn’t work out. I’m currently trying to find new dreams. When your goal was for years to be a mom and raise a family, what is left? This is my reason for going back to school to see if there is something else I want to do so life doesn’t feel so much like drudgery. I hope I can find something that will help me enjoy my days more. Hopefully there be a morning when I wake up and don’t think about the things I don’t have. I need to wake up and think about what is ahead of me, not what is denied me.
Maybe I need to cut myself some slack and let go of some of the self loathing I have in wasting my time on spending so many years ttc. It was my goal, and I tried my hardest to make that goal reality. Why do I hate myself so much because of it? Is it because of failure? So I failed, I need to feel that it was ok that I failed, but I don’t feel that it is ok. I need to accept the failure, to own it. Not be embarrassed by it, because I am humiliated deep down inside of me.
Yes! Let go of the self loathing. You're beating yourself up about an awful lot here. Have some compassion for yourself. When I did that, I felt free. I'd always been the negative voice in my head. When I realised that and was able to stop it (not easy), everything felt so much easier.
ReplyDeleteI think the feelings of humiliation are very normal. I went into hiding in my early days - and very definitely didn't want to admit that I couldn't have children. Because it encompassed my whole being at the time, it meant that I felt like a failure. But it wasn't true - I had failed in having a child, sure. (Even then, I hate the label of failure.) But I was not (and am not) a failure. One day you'll be able to accept that you are not a failure. You're a survivor. And you will be a success story - just for getting through this.
I agree completely with Mali. :-) Wise words. :-) I think I was more angry 'coz I felt betrayed by how naive I was in thinking that I would be able to get pregnant easily. My Mom had me "easily" at the age of 32 and my bro at the age of 34. She got married at 31 and exactly 10 months later I was born (that's why it's so easy to remember their wedding date 'coz it's the same as my birth date) and I thought it'd happen to me, too, 'coz we also started TTC when I was roughly the same age.
ReplyDeleteI think when as an IFer, we do need to let go of SOOOOOO many things that come our way and sometimes we need to do it over and over again 'coz they come in waves and sometimes at unexpected moments. I also have the same mantra as Mali: Be kind to yourself, be kind to yourself, be kind to yourself. :-) We are survivors! :-)
I just wanted you to know this post resonated with me SO much. Its not just giving up 1 dream, its giving up a whole life you had planned out because that one dream didn't happen. Its a long hard road. I'm somewhere along the path and some days are harder than others. Good luck my dear, you'll get there, just like I hope to, eventually.
ReplyDeleteYou've brought up a lot of feelings that I'm in the throes of too - this feeling of failure that just won't go away, even though I know 'things happen'. And on top of that, expecting to be able to come up with the best Plan B 'ever'... while feeling like this? It's tricky. We are strong women, regardless of how society can turn it around on us. And trying to work out our new life in this particular world that doesn't involve parenting... well, it's a very difficult thing to ponder. Again, I'm trying to work this whole Plan B Life thing out too and struggling a little.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I also know that the struggle is because of the injury. We won't be defeated at every single turn in our life, just a few things might be out of reach. And coming to terms with that I think may help us be a little softer on ourselves.
I hope you (like I'm trying to) give yourself some downtime. And some fun time too. And definitely cut yourself some slack - we're trying to find a whole new life... at our age! (Okay - I'm 36, but it's getting on...) I hope as you find the little things that make you happy, and that eventually, given time, they become the bigger picture.
Jen.