The last few weeks I have felt good, physically and emotionally. Physically I felt like I was recovering from my surgery getting stronger and emotionally I felt happier and in control of my life. I was super busy, but I felt like I was accomplishing things.
I have been backsliding this week. I wake up in the mornings and the first thing I think about is infertility. I haven’t done this for several months. I look back and question our choices, wondering if the outcome could have been different if 5 years ago we would have done choice B, or if 2 years ago we would have chose choice C. I know this isn’t healthy, and I’m not sure why I am doing it. I don’t know why I am doing it when I thought I felt so happy and content just last week.
I think the upcoming weekend probably has something to do with it. We have a 3 day weekend for the Memorial Day holiday Monday and we are traveling to visit family. There is a very pregnant SIL that will be having a baby in the next month or so. I dread that the talk all weekend will be full of everything baby. I’m happy for them, but I am sad about my circumstance. How is it possible to be happy and yet so sad at the same time?
Another thing that is bothering me is that I went shopping Monday for some new clothes. My surgery belly is being a pest! When I returned to work I had to pull out my bigger work pants. Which brought back bad memories. I bought these bigger clothes when we were going through fertility treatments and my body was swelling and gaining weight from the hormones. Back then I didn’t really mind that I had to wear larger pants. I was hoping they would be the start of my maternity wardrobe, but they never fulfilled that destiny. I have these larger slacks to wear to work, but I needed some larger casual clothes to wear over the weekend. I can actually get my regular clothes on, it’s just that they rub on my incision spots and are not comfortable. I guess I could spend the weekend in stretchy workout clothes, but I think it’s time to get out of them. So I bought some larger shorts because where we are going is warmer than where I live. It was just depressing to go shopping and having to buy clothes for my newly rounded belly that isn’t carrying a new life. Not that I expected to have a new life in my belly, i just keep thinking that it looks like i have the start of a pregnant belly by its roundness.
I need to focus and occupy these thoughts from the past or finally (somehow) accept them.
my dear friend,
ReplyDeleteyes, it is a bumpy ride. The ride to accept chilfree / childless life. For good.
For me, each year is easier (this year: 9th year). But that doesn't mean I don't have some really black days each year.
And yes - buying bigger clothes is depressing (if you know, that they are not start of new maternity wardrobe).
hugs and kisses!
I also used to find family gatherings brought back a lot of my sadness and negative feelings - in fact, any gatherings. The anticipation though is usually worse than the reality.
ReplyDeleteHow about some pretty, floaty dresses that are loosely fitted? That way you can wear them when your wounds and stitches heal too, and so you won't feel as if you're just buying bigger clothes. And feeling pretty and even sexy might give you some more confidence. They're comfortable too.
Oh ... and to continue the "pretty and sexy" theme, many years ago after my second ectopic pregnancy, I received some great advice. My recovery was long and complicated (it wasn't in the tube) - it took about four months to have all the surgeries and procedures and I bled and spotted for about six months. Someone told me to go and buy some feminine underwear, as it would make me feel a bit better and more confident. They were so right. Even if I was wearing comfy old clothes, knowing I had a pretty bra lifted my spirits (as well as my boobs).
Oh how I remember those days...and honestly, they still come up even now. Its an occupational hazard...i've often wondered if menopause will FINALLY take away the yearn for a biological child.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you. I hope your surgery site cooperates soon!
(((HUGS))) I hope the recovery goes well and that you've got more sunny thoughts than sad ones...
ReplyDeleteHope you'd have more bright days, less cloudy days... **HUGS***
ReplyDeleteI love this post and all the comments. I had some really great days and then WHAM all of sudden I am back to "I am less of a person" feeling. It's no fun but I am forever grateful to you, the commenters, and other bloggers who make me feel less alone. Even though I wish we were part of a different club.
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