The last few weeks I have felt good, physically and emotionally. Physically I felt like I was recovering from my surgery getting stronger and emotionally I felt happier and in control of my life. I was super busy, but I felt like I was accomplishing things.
I have been backsliding this week. I wake up in the mornings and the first thing I think about is infertility. I haven’t done this for several months. I look back and question our choices, wondering if the outcome could have been different if 5 years ago we would have done choice B, or if 2 years ago we would have chose choice C. I know this isn’t healthy, and I’m not sure why I am doing it. I don’t know why I am doing it when I thought I felt so happy and content just last week.
I think the upcoming weekend probably has something to do with it. We have a 3 day weekend for the Memorial Day holiday Monday and we are traveling to visit family. There is a very pregnant SIL that will be having a baby in the next month or so. I dread that the talk all weekend will be full of everything baby. I’m happy for them, but I am sad about my circumstance. How is it possible to be happy and yet so sad at the same time?
Another thing that is bothering me is that I went shopping Monday for some new clothes. My surgery belly is being a pest! When I returned to work I had to pull out my bigger work pants. Which brought back bad memories. I bought these bigger clothes when we were going through fertility treatments and my body was swelling and gaining weight from the hormones. Back then I didn’t really mind that I had to wear larger pants. I was hoping they would be the start of my maternity wardrobe, but they never fulfilled that destiny. I have these larger slacks to wear to work, but I needed some larger casual clothes to wear over the weekend. I can actually get my regular clothes on, it’s just that they rub on my incision spots and are not comfortable. I guess I could spend the weekend in stretchy workout clothes, but I think it’s time to get out of them. So I bought some larger shorts because where we are going is warmer than where I live. It was just depressing to go shopping and having to buy clothes for my newly rounded belly that isn’t carrying a new life. Not that I expected to have a new life in my belly, i just keep thinking that it looks like i have the start of a pregnant belly by its roundness.
I need to focus and occupy these thoughts from the past or finally (somehow) accept them.