Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Bombshell (and please don’t judge me)

I don’t know what kind of reaction this post will get.  I am in no means trying to belittle or hurt any feelings to anyone who has or is in the process of adoption.   I have so far tried to avoid the adoption topic….I have been very nervous about posting on this topic.  I have also been trying not to post too much family information.  This post will probably have to be removed if my blog gets discovered by family.  It may just get removed in a week to keep myself safe.

First, adoption to me feels like the door has been shut but not locked.  After we decided to stop fertility treatments I started looking into adoption and reading and telling M about everything I found.  We always thought that we would be open to having adoption as an option.  I found an agency in our area of our state and I kept going back to them.  We started looking at the application process and realized that at the time we didn’t meet all the requirements.  We had done IVF just a few months prior and M had just changed jobs which led to some other things we didn’t meet at the time (we will leave the nitty gritty details out).  I basically had an emotional meltdown when I realized that we didn’t fit the mold right then.  Had we not had enough struggles in trying to have children?  M then asked me let go of adoption for a few years.  He thought we had lost part of ourselves and we needed time to find these parts of us .  M told me that he could live the rest of his life happy with just me and he hoped that I could do the same.

So, that leads me to where I am now.  I am trying to find out who I am again.   I am trying to embrace the childfree life.  I don’t know if we will ever try to open the adoption door.  M is happy and I think he doesn’t want to turn around in a few years and approach the adoption door.  I think it is holding me back on my process of moving forward.  I have stored the idea of it in the back of my mind and I try not to think about it very much.  I’m sorry if you think I am a poser by having a childfree/childless blog when I have a tiny piece of me holding onto the adoption idea.

Back to the present, last night I was happy and we had just gotten back from a walk with our relatives.  We were driving home the next morning and I was actually feeling pretty happy with the weekend.   M’s sister called to announce that they were adopting a baby.  This news then turned the house upside down.  Normally everyone would be excited and happy that an adoption would add a new family member.  Nope….M’s mom told her that she can’t be excited for her!  Everyone started talking loudly and over each other and everyone was upset.  People were blaming other people for withholding information, and we were just trying to get the information straight. 

The problem here is that the couple (at least in our eyes) does not have a good relationship.  No less than 6 months ago M picked up his sister and moved her, her dog and her belongings into our house because she said she was going to get a divorce.  The reason why was because her husband refused to get a job or even apply for a job.  This is not the first time this has happened either (sister moving out or her husband refusing to work).  She went back to him after a few days like the times before.  He is currently not working.  The sister has said several times before that she can’t have a baby with him until things in their relationship change. 

I think I was in disbelief at first and just thought that they were talking or thinking about adoption.  I even said out loud, “M and I couldn’t even get into adoption when we looked into it, how could they?”  Which led to looks of disbelief by all of the present family members and questions such as “When did you look into adoption?” “Why can’t you adopt?” “You wanted to adopt?”  I felt like yelling “DUH” to all of them.  Why would they think that with our infertility we would not have at least looked into adoption?  Anyways that wasn’t the topic for very long.  We were then all informed that the husband’s family knew the family who wanted to give the baby up for adoption, this baby was already born, his family was moving this girl and baby to our state to help with the adoption process, the husband’s parents were paying for the adoption (since the couple has absolutely no money), and the husband was currently in the other state and pictures were being emailed of him holding this baby.  Phew…did you get it all?  I’m not sure if I even got it all.  The topic then turned into useless talk about how this baby will be taken care of.  I opened my laptop and shut my brain down until they all went to bed.

Here entered that evil green monster.  I spent the night crying after everyone finally left the living room (our makeshift bedroom for the weekend).  I had to keep it in until everyone went to bed since we didn’t have a private room.  M kept asking me why I was crying, and telling me not to take it personal.  I just wasn’t prepared for this news and it hit me hard.  I kept thinking of the blogs I have read of the people waiting for adoption and I felt so sad that this baby wasn’t going to them or a happy responsible parent.  It wasn’t that I wanted this baby to come to me.  I just don’t feel like it is supposed to be this way.  There are just so many people waiting for their baby.  I felt like all my wounds I have been working on healing got ripped open.  I felt so raw and hurt.  I cried and cried.  Over-reaction….probably.

I feel like if I have to deal with my infertility than at least our family members should be happy loving responsible parents…this made me think of my family and other hurt I have been trying to hide.  My brother and his wife lost custody of their daughters last year.  It was so hard for me to watch this happen.  M and I would never have our own children and I had to watch my own family members choose addictions over their children.  This experience broke my soul last year, and is way too lengthy for this post.  Their children are back with them now, and they are doing a lot better, but why do I have to watch this? 

Sometimes I just feel like a freak show with empty arms and an empty heart.


  1. HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGS...I'm speechless here.

    This world is definitely not ideal and there are so many "wrong" things happening that just don't make sense sometimes (or more often than that even). IF has taught me to stop thinking of those things because it only frustrates me.

    I hope that as time goes by, you find more peace...even when you have to watch sad experiences...

  2. Wow just wow is all I can say. oh and I am sending you hugs! Lots and Lots of hugs.

  3. my dear friend,
    first of all: I am sending you a big hug across the Atlantic!

    You are only 33 years old which means that you are more than a decade younger as majority of childfree / childless bloggers. Of course you have to look into adoption if you feel that way (by the way: I would also consider adopting, but my DH is completely against it, so I am not forcing him).

    Regarding your SIL: can not believe, how irresponsible some people are! I completely understand that the news broke your heart.

    ANd - I am happy that your nieces are back with your brother.

  4. HUGS- I'm closer to your age- and I am there with you... I had wondered how some folks could easily adopt when they are horrible themselves (I have some silver strands in my hair from hearing things from clients who were adopted into families that shouldn't have children, either adoptive or biological..) and my heart ache for them... Like you, I want to adopt, but it is hard to adopt with several strikes against me, which had complicated the process of my grief ongoing. So I hear you very well... and hold you close- and damn, if we were in same neighborhood, I'd show up with Romanicos Chocolate truffles and a bottle of good wine, and we'd rage against the world's idiocy about adoption (and with tissue box nearby.)

  5. First, you shouldn't have worried about posting this.

    Second, I can only imagine how you felt about this. And I read it in much the same way that I see people get pregnant, or actively try to get pregnant, when they're in unstable relationships, can't afford to pay for existing children let alone new ones, are emotionally unstable, selfish, thoughtless etc. It's not right - none of it.

    One thing I know for sure though - YOU are not the freak show. Sending hugs.

  6. my heart goes out to you. I know how painful this can be. We had a similar kindof situation a few years ago. My sister in law abandoned house, job and responsiblity moved up to another city 6 hrs away from family and support, went on welfare and was able to adopt her granddaughter who was taken from her daughter by the authorities at birth. We had been very honest in our desire to adopt and raise the child. and we even drove her up to see this baby. So it was a huge upset.

    Our situation we will never be able to adopt. We tried for 8 years and they painted us so horribly the ministry said "no way". And yet every once in a while a "well meaning" acquaintance will tell me about a possible situation. And It kills me. It rips open all the wounds again, and takes months to heal.

    BTW your crying is not an over reaction but a demonstration of the type of person you are. One who has true empathy for others even though they are not in your exact position. You feel very much for them, even though they are totally unaware of this particular injustice. This is not a bad thing, and you had the strength to keep it in until no one else could see. I know others who over react and cry over everything, in front of everyone. you are not that. :-)

  7. I thought I had already responded to this; guess not! I think in most couples dealing with infertility, there is almost always one person who is willing to go a little (or a lot) further than the other -- which means some degree of negotiations when enough is enough & when to stop pursuing further options. I probably could have mustered up enough energy to do IVF if dh had been more supportive, but he was adamant that he did not want to go any further. It does seem unfair, though, when parenthood comes so easily (or at least more easily than it has to us) to people who seem less "deserving." (((hugs!)))